she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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