i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
