i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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