At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
