In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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