Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
