you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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