dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
