i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
