Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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