I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
