my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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