3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Randomize
