someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Are we still banned from the library?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
