Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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