The maid of honor just puked.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
