Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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