Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
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