i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
