Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
