the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
