I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
my liver is dry heaving
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
