I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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