Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Randomize
