I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
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her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
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Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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