he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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