did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
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he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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