They should really pass out barf bags in church
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
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Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
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He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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