if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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