after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
