No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
