I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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