Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
