When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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