So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
