Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
