I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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