Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
