Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
