these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I use my feet as sexual weapons
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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