I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
