Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
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