when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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