He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
