It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Randomize
