my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Randomize
