You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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