Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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