Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
