and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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