Your face is a jimmy john
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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