they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
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