Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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