Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
you had me at cake vodka
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
