Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
